Why is that word so hard for me to say?

From having sex to picking up shifts that I never wanted anyway, I end up violating my mind and body on a regular basis by saying yes to things I really, truly want to say no to. In the words of fictional character Hank Moody, “Get in touch with your emotions, woman!”

Like for instance, I told myself I needed to cut my all hair off (this was at the beginning of quarantine, after graduating college, RIGHT after I got my first demeaning post-college job at a local hospital), and then I did it, and then I realized I never wanted this in the first place, and then right when my hair was beginning to grow back again I made an appointment to cut it all off again. I told myself I had to follow through with the appointment or else it would be rude to the stylist. I forced myself to go, drunk and begrudgingly, tears in my eyes. Dude. Why am I so mean to myself? What the F**K?! I literally torture myself by making decisions that are contrary to what I truly desire. I literally stand in the way of my own happiness.

Word of advice to all you long-haired people who like your long hair but want to “spice things up” during quarantine: DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR OFF. Or at least really tell the truth to yourself about what you want. Think about how long it will take to grow back (1 year or more), and think about the irrational jealousy and shame you will feel when you are working at the self-checkout at Target and you see some cute chick flip her long, luscious, beautiful locks over her shoulder, oh-so-effortlessly. You try to do the same with your barely-shoulder-length grown-out mullet but all you get is whiplash and feelings of deep regret and shame.

It’s a pretty lame problem to have, I know. There’s no reason that comes to mind for why I have this problem. Maybe, as Youtube tried to suggest to me last night, it is my hidden childhood trauma that leads to cycles of drug addiction and shame. Cool so now even the internet is trying to tell me I’m fucked up because it tracks my internet browser history and read the blog and is like, “damn girl you need some THERAPY.” Yikes. All good though, I’ll just keep on keepin’ on. I am getting better at saying no, but there are times when I kinda black-out and toss out the window all forms of self-respect. Do you feel that or are you normal?

In other news, I was reading up on lifestyle blogging for people who want to improve their lives and feel good and cozy and collect plagiarized recipes, when it struck me: this blog is the anti-lifestyle blog. It’s a lifestyle blog by someone who hates their life! haha. lol. funny stuff.