Hi everyone. It’s me again. I feel like I’ve led this blog down a weird self-loathing and pathetic path… Now it is time to drag this poor blog out of the depths of writer’s block despair. Are you excited???!??! cus I am! I feel like the start of winter really is a time of reflection and gratitude. 

This blog has been through it – I bought the domain name from google back in January 2021, the beginning of this year. We are nearing my baby’s first birthday <33333. To think that when I started the blog I bought a bottle of Andre's at the corner store drank a mimosa by myself as I felt a rush of excitement and fear. What if it sucks? what if what if… But I knew I had to try because I am going to die one day and then I won't care if my blog I had in my 20s sucked or not. I won't care about anything at all because I'll be dead. So I swallowed my fears, thanks existentialism! That deserves some recognition. 

Although I haven’t always had the best relationship with this blog, it has been a strange and twisted and authentically-me form of self-expression. For whatever that’s worth. The blog has made me think about how I relate to the world, how the world might relate to me, and most of all, how I relate to myself. 

It’s been almost 12 whole months of testing the creative waters, feeling unsure but invigorated, and feeling that signature drop of sweat that only rolls down my side when I’m writing something important. I have actualized my desire to write and that brings me lightness and joy. 

And it seems like there are people who sometimes read what I write! 

I’ve gotten 6455 views since January – that averages out to about 19 views per day. Okay… so maybe half those views were me, myself and I, but still!! Very cool. Thank you to my supporters, my friends, my family, my enemies, my stalkers, my exes, my Grandma (shout out Grandma love u) and of course my secret binge-readers…I know you’re out there ;). Just knowing that there is a potential for someone somewhere to read the blog gets me to a creative place that I would never get to on my own. I need you and I love you. ❤

So now as a thank you I have a creativity hack for you, because it really worked for me and I want to share the wealth (although I’m probably the last to know… but you never know!!). Phew. Here it goes:

Repeat this mantra when you are feeling blocked: “Honor yourself and you inner desires.” 

Allow your intuition to lead you someplace new, even if you’re convinced it’s the wrong place. 

You’re probably like, “wow is that even advice?? did you just copy and paste that from a mental health instagram account?” Yes it is advice, just try it! And no I copy and pasted from my very own brain :).

Recently I have been blocked creatively by my inability to accept that I can be many things all at once and still succeed. I put it into my own head that I must become a writer, and all I will do for the rest of my life is write. Any time I did something other than writing I felt an awful guilt creeping in, haunting me, saying, “You’re not writing, you piece of shit I thought you said you are a writer, well you’re not because you know what writers actually do? They write. That’s right… You’re good for nothing.. you’re just a drain on society,” and blah, blah, BLAH. 

So naturally I spiraled into a deep dark hole of feeling inadequate and feeling pressured and stressed = NOT CREATIVE AT ALL. I knew I wasn’t creative and that made me feel more inadequate and ashamed and thus the spiral continued. 

What used to bring me joy and make me feel light all of a sudden felt like a ton of bricks. 

I think one thing that fed into this spiral is the narrative that you need to have a one track career to be successful. The “Career Narrative” explains that spreading yourself across multiple disciplines and activities is dangerous and will lead you towards a shallow, useless existence. At least that’s how I feel the career-driven outlook is framed. I guess it could be a positive outlook for some. But for me it feels limiting. Even so, I found myself believing in this narrative subconsciously. I allowed the narrative to make me feel inferior because of my Dabbler Syndrome. 

But not anymore. And it was like a switch in my brain. As soon as I told myself “its okay to be a dabbler, it’s not a syndrome, it’s just who you are and you can honor that,” my creative spark lit up. Suddenly the world opened up in front of me (this was like last night tbh), and I felt free to explore and create to my lil heart’s desire. I began to research screen printing and freelancing and creating an LLC. I began to come up with blog post ideas (so meta). I began feeling the joy of creating things again. All from simply acknowledging that it’s okay to not be one thing, it’s okay to be a bunch of things, some of which you haven’t even discovered yet. 

My creative spark returned to me once I stopped shaming my inner desire and gave myself permission to explore anything that I wanted to, even if it does not seem to align with who I think I am. I am always changing and growing and morphing into something new, so it does me no good to define myself. “To define is to limit”, as someone smart said I think. Oh of course, it is a quote from Oscar Wilde, a god amongst men. I am obsessed with him, of course it was him who said that I freaking love him. If you haven’t read Oscar Wilde, just do it. Read The Picture of Dorian Gray, his only novel. 

Anyway,  that is all I have for now… stay tuned for more articles on… my nose job, how self-sabotage can sometimes be useful and… more! Or maybe I won’t post about any of those things… you will only find out if you check my blog again soon. How soon? I’m not gonna tell you because that would be too mainstream and too capitalistic. Honey. This is the Antilifestyle blog. There will be no consistency and no schedule for releasing content. pure chaos. that is the brand. I’m back babyyyyyy.

Good night ❤ and happy thanksgiving.