So I got facial surgery to change how my nose looks. A nose job. Rhinoplasty. Mainly for cosmetic purposes with a nice added benefit of breathing better. If I think about it too hard it’s kind of intense. The psychological experience feels similar to a tattoo. Permanent body modification.
I don’t want to think about it that much. I want to pretend I had this cute little nose since the start. I am happy with how I look. It’s strange, though, to look different halfway through your life. I guess you always look different, but it happens so slowly that you don’t noticed until you’ve already changed.
How could I afford it?
I used to stare at myself in the mirror obsessively and I still do lmao but now I have one less thing to critique about my body.
One thing is for sure: I gained measurable confidence. I’ve always wanted to perform on stage but I was too scared. Post-surgery, I performed stand-up comedy for the first time…and for the third time. I sang at a karaoke bar, SOBER (yes, I am a nerd). Anyway, my stage fright has been resolved.
This sudden burst of confidence made me wonder if cutting off parts of my nose would cut off my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. But it wasn’t so easy…
I get how people become addicted to plastic surgery. You get one thing done and you feel immediate relief from your obsession…a rush of confidence…but even though your appearance has changed overnight, you still have years of self-loathing to undo.
Loving yourself just doesn’t happen overnight. That’s what I learned most from this experience. It’s so much deeper than the shape of your body. You cannot surgically remove insecurities. You cannot pay a surgeon to exorcise your inner demons.
I reeaaallly thought this surgery would change my life. That it would make me love me. It didn’t technically hurt my chances of self-love and acceptance, but I’m pretty much unchanged in my outlook. I have found new insecurities to fixate on: my weight, my lips, my fine lines…
My brain is stuck in its old habits.
I realized that I still have a nagging insecurity in my head. It didn’t go away. I thought my insecurity was about how I look to other people. But no. I worry about how I am perceived by other people. I got perception and appearance mixed up.
Still, I worry that I will not find my destiny, my true and most beautiful path in life. I still worry that people will see me as small, as spineless, as a demure little thing waiting to do what she’s told.
Do I regret it?
No, I’d make the same choice again.
How could I afford it?
I saved up for a long time. I reaaaalllly wanted this, since I was a kid.
Do I feel prettier?
Yes, I feel prettier, on the outside. I don’t get nervous anymore when I’m driving and there’s someone in the passenger seat who has a perfect view of my side profile. I don’t have to overthink photo angles anymore. I feel prettier in a very scientific way, like mathematically my features are more appealing to others within my species.
Do I feel Beautiful?
I don’t know. Some days are better than others. I am still learning to love and appreciate myself for everything I am. Surgery or no surgery, practicing self-kindness and honoring your true desires are irreplaceable steps towards true self-love.
DUMB / SMART 
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