Love is not selfish. Love is giving. 

Sexual assault is not a form of love, it is a form of bullying. 

It is a form of domination over another person, for selfish reasons, without thought of the victim’s personhood or feelings. 

Sexual assault is not giving. Sexual assault is taking. Assault means attack.

Sexual assault means taking intimacy, something so pure and loving and good, and twisting it into an attack on another person. That is why sexual assault is so devastating to the victim. Because it is confusing. The sexual touch cues your brain to memories and schemas of pleasure. His hands wrap around your body and your perception wraps around your skull and tells you that all prior evidence leads to one conclusion: you should be enjoying these touches. Remember that old boyfriend? Recall that snow day where you explored each other’s bodies and laughed and snuggled. All evidence in your brain screams that what is happening to you right now is the same as those memories: this attack is actually not an attack at all, but it is pure and loving and good.

Your body knows better though. Your heart begins to race, your pulse increases. Your whole body freezes, including your tongue. 

A kiss on the neck jolts your whole being and the alarms finally start ringing through your head. But by this time it’s too late. It’s already happening. It’s out of your hands now, the attacker advances, knife to the throat, you surrender your weapons of love and accept your fate. 

Your brain and body battle between themselves.

And you just stand and watch. 

“No! Tell her to stop, why is she doing this? Did I make it seem like I wanted this?” 

It’s over now.

I wake up in my bed and feel drained. In the coming days and months, I train myself to count the seconds of eye contact with each man I encounter. I think that four might be too many seconds, but I’m still not sure. They might start to get the wrong idea. Look away now. Keep your head down and your hood up and mind your own business. Wear less makeup. Attract less attention. My thoughts turn against me. You don’t want this to happen to you again, now, do you? And hey, you dumb bitch, remember to speak up and say “no” next time, and maybe then you can make it stop next time. You could’ve stopped it before but you didn’t. Don’t give off such deer-in-the-headlight vibes and maybe they’ll just leave you alone. 

You hate that someone else hijacked control of your feelings like that, so you blame yourself because it’s better than giving them the power. You hate that another person hurt you and violated you like that. So you try to reject it and say to yourself, “They don’t have the power to hurt me, I did this to myself by letting it happen and letting it hurt.”

NO. its not your fucking fault. you need to come to terms with the fact that someone else hurt you; that is the hardest thing to admit. 

i am hurting. its okay to cry and mourn.  its okay to kick and scream. its okay to be angry. its okay to dance and sing. do whatever you need to do to feel ok again. feel what they did to you, AND KNOW: YOU ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL. 

The reason we need to hear the shout of another person saying “me too” is so that we begin to understand that it is not our own weaknesses that cause a sexual assault. What causes a sexual assault is an attacker launching an attack. 

Strong women get sexually assaulted.

And of course, it is not just women who get sexually assaulted.

Strong men get sexually assaulted.

And of course, it is not just women and men who get sexually assaulted. 

Strong people get sexually assaulted.

And it’s not even about strength, that’s what the attacker wants you to think. They want to dominate me to feel strong. They want me to feel weak so that they can feel strong. Same as a bully. I try to tell myself: “Don’t get trapped in their small-minded game. Don’t believe what lies they are trying desperately to tell you about yourself.” 

You are strong.

You are a person who deserves not to be sexually attacked for the way you look, for the way you act, for who you are.

For there is no good reason at all for sexual assault.

You are strong.

You are strong.

You are strong.